Hello beautiful people! It’s been quite a while since I’ve been able to write to you guys. As I predicted at the creation of this blog, here lately life has gotten in the way of my writing. The end of summer and beginning of fall always brings the busiest times, so I apologize for the long absence. Over the past month I have found myself with a whole lot of new beginnings, and also a whole lot of last times. I have started my senior year at the University of North Alabama, began my final year as an active member of Alpha Delta Pi, and entered the last phase of my undergraduate journey. In the past month I have also found myself experiencing an abundance of self-reflection- the cause of which is a story for a later time.
If you know me, you know that it is my goal to one day be a therapist. Because of this, I know the importance of self-reflection and evaluation. I think that it is imperative that we stay self-aware and keep an open mind to change and improvement. That being said, in my reflection I have learned many things about myself, both good and bad.
The first thing is that I am a hoarder. Not of trinkets, or antiques, or odd items, but of moments, and experiences, and occasions. I live in a constant state of observation that leaves me soaking in every moment. I think that my reason for this is that I realize how flighty life is, and how fleeting we all are. I find myself with an ever-present film reel moving through my mind capturing every memory, every smile, every color. This is why you’ll always see me with a camera, or trying to free up more storage on my phone, or fervently typing away to express my feelings with words. My Snapchat is never without a story posted and my Instagram doesn’t go more than a day without a picture. I realize just how beautiful my life is and so I want to preserve it for all that it’s worth. I want to look back in ten, or twenty, or thirty years and see the crazy antics and late nights. I relish in the fact that everything moves at warp speed and we don’t get a pause or replay. I hoard pictures and videos and words just so I don’t forget a thing.
The next thing that I realized is that I am a spotlight. I don’t mean that I always want to be in the spotlight, but that I cast one whenever I can. Since I am a millennial I can’t deny the constant need for validation, but I can say that I am unique in the way that the validation doesn’t have to be for me. I love watching people learn and seeing them accomplish their goals. I think that there is nothing more awe-inspiring than seeing someone find worth in themselves or something they’ve done. My personality has always been assertive, but not always towards myself. I’ve found that it is almost better to applaud someone for their good work or deed than to receive the applause yourself. I want to cast a spotlight on the people who deserve it, and yes sometimes that is me, but there’s nothing wrong with that either.
Another thing that my self-reflection brought is the realization that I always have an iron tight grip on my life. The past four years have been, without a doubt, some of the best times of my life. College is a wonderful place that I love dearly. I love how open the people are, how embracing their attitudes seem to be, and how intensely we feel everything. I float in this constant stream of near sadness in knowing that it’s almost over. And I know that one of the most beautiful things about this journey is how it changes just as you start to appreciate it, but that doesn’t end the ache of knowing it has to end. College isn’t the only time that I’ve found myself with this iron grip on life. With each new stage that I go through- high school, college, career, etc- my mind doesn’t want to let it go. I suppose this goes back to why I hoard moments like they’re candy. I have to remind myself over and over again that nothing lasts forever and that change is good, but that doesn’t make me want to loosen my grip. I oftentimes think that I can’t wait for the time in ten or fifteen years when I look back on my twenty-one-year-old self and laugh at how I thought this was the best of times. That will indeed be an amazing day.
The last thing that I have realized here lately is that I really like myself. It has taken a ton of changes and a bucket of tears for me to get to the place where I can say that I am confident in the person that I am, and that person rocks. Growing up I always thought that I was a little too loud, or too opinionated, or too brash for the people who I knew. But the older that I’ve gotten, the more I’ve come to love these parts of myself. I absolutely love people and relationships and words and life. I like that I am a little nerdy and that I sometimes say the wrong thing. I think that in order to embrace life and find out what really makes you happy you first have to embrace yourself. I’m not saying that there aren’t things about myself that I don’t like or that I don’t think need improvement, because there definitely are. I’m saying that I accept those things and see the beauty in my flaws. I have spent so much time trying to adhere my personality to what others wanted or to what I thought it should be that I forgot to just love it for what it is. There is this quote that I keep on my wall back home and it reads: “If someone really wants you in their life, they will make an effort to keep you there.” Truer words have never been spoken. People are always going to try to change you and society is always going to highlight your biggest flaw. If you love those things and surround yourself with people who accept them for everything that they are, you’ll find joy in who you are.
So I guess that my point to this blog is that self-reflection is a good thing, and life is beautiful, and it’s really hard to not blink. There are times when I forget to appreciate every friend, and every memory, and every late night that has gotten me to where I am right now. But when I do remember these things I see the beauty in everything around me. I see the importance in my self-worth and the resolution in the belief that I love who I am, and I don’t want to change her. I’m sure that I will look back and think to myself, “Lex, you really shouldn’t have acted that way.” or “How could you have thought that that was a good quality.”, but that’s the beauty of it all. My life is moving full speed ahead and every moment deserves to be cherished, remembered, loved, and captured. So if you get nothing else out of this lengthy post just remember this one thing: live boldly, laugh beautifully, create wonderfully, and stride confidently. Take in the moments and soak in every memory. Life is flighty, but its a fun ride.